The Beginning
To write of the places I have been and how my heart has been changed, I would have to start with the summer between fourth and fifth grades. I think I was 10 years old and had only been to my grandparents house in Vermont. A trip I cannot remember very well. The reason I see this particular trip as pivotal in my life is because of the wisdom I gained but I am getting ahead of myself.
For my entire 10 year old life I was surrounded by the most beautiful religious community, the Baha'i community. Growing up in South Carolina could have been potentially difficult for a mixed race child of a wierd named religion yet these years hold a sweetness in my memory. My parents would host bonfires in the backyard of our country home for people living in the Florence-Darlington areas. I think people came up once from as far away as Frogmore, which is about a three hour drive from my parents home. Ahhh, the singing and talking and laughter that filled my house and yard. I would fall asleep cradled by these sounds. I would visit Baha'is with my dad and attend gatherings at the Louis Gregory Baha'i Insitute, which would be a pivotal place in my life as a youth. My identity as a Baha'i was all I knew and all I knew was acceptance and love. Then there was the trip that opened my young eyes to other realities.
One day after children's class, I was invited by the host to accompany her and her daughter on a road trip to Kansas for a Baha'i summer school. I was so excited when my mother said it was okay for me to go. Little did she know that this would be the first of many, yeses. A couple of weeks later I got comfortable in the back seat of my children class teacher's car and off we went. I remember watching the scenery change as we passed through the States and loving how different each place was. I was an inquisitive child I guess because a young man who traveled with us turned to look at me from the passenger seat to say, "Next she will be asking, 'Why is the sky up?' " Everyone laughed and I remember being miffed and sulking for a little while but I got over it.
On the way to the summer school we stopped over in Kansas at the home of a family who shared my last name but not the same family line. This family would later be important to me when I moved to Chicago. They had a young son and I read to him in bed and stomped mushrooms in their front yard because I didn't like them. The parents loved the fact that I read to their son but I got in trouble for stomping the mushrooms. I didn't think about the fact that now they were in bitable baby sizes.
The next morning the baby, his mom, my question weary travel companions and me all left for the Baha'i school together. I could hardly contain my excitement. I was going to get to meet other Baha'is and become friends with them.
The first thing I remember is not being able to make any friends. No one would talk to me. I intuitively felt that I had two things against me, I was too young and an outsider. This was hard for a child who was used to a different reality. I ended up befriending another outkast. A little girl who obviously was not wealthy and usually alone. Depsite this friend, I stayed alone alot. I don't remember much else about this trip other than learning to make paper, that the baby had an allergic reaction to eggs, and my heart breaking.
I had learned that Baha'is could be like everyone else. That they could be cold and unwelcoming. That attention was paid by some to financial status. That people who are unlike themselves could be shunned. Even now as I think about this my eyes tear up because this is when I lost my innocence as a Baha'i child. I had seen and experienced many harsh things in my everyday life but the Baha'i community had remained untainted. I can't remember if I said something to the adults I traveled with. I don't remember talking much on the way back to South Carolina. All I remember is longing to be home.
Yet it wasn't my heart breaking that made the trip so pivotal, it was the decision I came to. That I was a Baha'i and loved Baha'u'llah because it was who I was. I could not imagine a life without this identity or this love. It was a good thing for me to see at such a young age that the religion was perfect not the people in it. I decided that I would not let the way other Baha'is behaved toward me make me turn my back on what had shaped my life. I remember conciously making this decision at 10 years old. I remember realising, "I am a Baha'i because I want to be not because of the people."
This independance completed my sense of independance that came prior to the divorce of my parents. This was only the beginning. From that time on I have traveled many roads and experienced many changes of heart. The trip to Kansas in the summer between fourth and fifth grades forever bound my heart to the Faith I had grown up loving.
For my entire 10 year old life I was surrounded by the most beautiful religious community, the Baha'i community. Growing up in South Carolina could have been potentially difficult for a mixed race child of a wierd named religion yet these years hold a sweetness in my memory. My parents would host bonfires in the backyard of our country home for people living in the Florence-Darlington areas. I think people came up once from as far away as Frogmore, which is about a three hour drive from my parents home. Ahhh, the singing and talking and laughter that filled my house and yard. I would fall asleep cradled by these sounds. I would visit Baha'is with my dad and attend gatherings at the Louis Gregory Baha'i Insitute, which would be a pivotal place in my life as a youth. My identity as a Baha'i was all I knew and all I knew was acceptance and love. Then there was the trip that opened my young eyes to other realities.
One day after children's class, I was invited by the host to accompany her and her daughter on a road trip to Kansas for a Baha'i summer school. I was so excited when my mother said it was okay for me to go. Little did she know that this would be the first of many, yeses. A couple of weeks later I got comfortable in the back seat of my children class teacher's car and off we went. I remember watching the scenery change as we passed through the States and loving how different each place was. I was an inquisitive child I guess because a young man who traveled with us turned to look at me from the passenger seat to say, "Next she will be asking, 'Why is the sky up?' " Everyone laughed and I remember being miffed and sulking for a little while but I got over it.
On the way to the summer school we stopped over in Kansas at the home of a family who shared my last name but not the same family line. This family would later be important to me when I moved to Chicago. They had a young son and I read to him in bed and stomped mushrooms in their front yard because I didn't like them. The parents loved the fact that I read to their son but I got in trouble for stomping the mushrooms. I didn't think about the fact that now they were in bitable baby sizes.
The next morning the baby, his mom, my question weary travel companions and me all left for the Baha'i school together. I could hardly contain my excitement. I was going to get to meet other Baha'is and become friends with them.
The first thing I remember is not being able to make any friends. No one would talk to me. I intuitively felt that I had two things against me, I was too young and an outsider. This was hard for a child who was used to a different reality. I ended up befriending another outkast. A little girl who obviously was not wealthy and usually alone. Depsite this friend, I stayed alone alot. I don't remember much else about this trip other than learning to make paper, that the baby had an allergic reaction to eggs, and my heart breaking.
I had learned that Baha'is could be like everyone else. That they could be cold and unwelcoming. That attention was paid by some to financial status. That people who are unlike themselves could be shunned. Even now as I think about this my eyes tear up because this is when I lost my innocence as a Baha'i child. I had seen and experienced many harsh things in my everyday life but the Baha'i community had remained untainted. I can't remember if I said something to the adults I traveled with. I don't remember talking much on the way back to South Carolina. All I remember is longing to be home.
Yet it wasn't my heart breaking that made the trip so pivotal, it was the decision I came to. That I was a Baha'i and loved Baha'u'llah because it was who I was. I could not imagine a life without this identity or this love. It was a good thing for me to see at such a young age that the religion was perfect not the people in it. I decided that I would not let the way other Baha'is behaved toward me make me turn my back on what had shaped my life. I remember conciously making this decision at 10 years old. I remember realising, "I am a Baha'i because I want to be not because of the people."
This independance completed my sense of independance that came prior to the divorce of my parents. This was only the beginning. From that time on I have traveled many roads and experienced many changes of heart. The trip to Kansas in the summer between fourth and fifth grades forever bound my heart to the Faith I had grown up loving.
posted by Jeong-Eui = justice at 11:21 PM
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